The Naruto Cast Yell at the Fandom
by Pancake Mix
Summary: The basis of this is that the entire Naruto Cast, minus filler characters, aren't too happy with their fans. And as the author, I try to write as if they were in character. Rated T for minor swearing. Complete!
1. Chapter 1 Naruto

Author: Just a note, if any of you flame me on this, I WILL post your comment up for all to see, with me making fun of you immediately afterwards, in the follow-up fic to this. And I'll laugh maniacally the whole time. Constructive Criticism is welcome though.

Oh, and none of these characters belong to me, they're all Masashi Kishimoto's.

Tsunade couldn't help but twitch when she read the newest mission request she'd been sent. "S-Rank Mission: Assemble the entire Naruto Cast, yourself included, and comment on the fandom."

Shizune looked over the 5th Hokage's Shoulder. "This is…."

"Not going to end well", Tsunade finished, cutting her off.

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SEVERAL DAYS LATER

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"Bit of a Reunion, isn't it?" Jiraiya joked.

The Long and Straight-haired Pain was less enthusiastic. "What are you doing here, I killed you…"

Orochimaru just sighed, sagging his shoulders. "I am NOT a Pedophile!"

"And I'm not his 'Man-Bitch'!" Added Kabuto, exasperatedly, having been accused of this more times then he could count.

Tsunade Tried to call everyone to attention, but failed. In hindsight, it was a bad idea to let everyone socialize in the same room, and Itachi was having difficulty fighting off nearly everyone at the same time. "HEY! EVERYONE SETTLE…Oh it's no use. Shizune, any ideas?"

"No Idea, Tsunade-sama."

Tsunade beat her head on the table she was seated at. "What was I thinking…"

Jiraiya was still upbeat about the whole thing, on the other hand. "We get to clear things up, don't we? Let's just have everyone come over one-bye-one, or in small groups."

Tsunade lifted her head off the table, grateful Jiraiya hadn't been told about the fact that fan-pairings would also be Addressed. "That may work…Alright, UZUMAKI NARUTO!"

….

….

"UZUMAKI NARUTO!"

Shizune made her practically-trademarked squeak of discontent, alarmed that the usually enthusiastic Naruto wasn't running up to the main table. What she didn't know was that he was occupied with chasing Sasuke around the room.

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Dammit Naruto, this is NOT the time! I'm killing Itachi, and that's IT! I LEFT OF MY OWN FREE WILL, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!" Sasuke yelled back at Naruto, not in the mood to waste any Chakra on Naruto while Itachi was within 30 feet. "And Besides, Tsunade called you up."

Naruto tried to stop his mad dash towards Sasuke by steering off course, but wound up running right into, of all people, Poor Hinata. "WHOA!" "N-NARUTO-KUN!"

SMASH

Dazed, Naruto picked himself up off the floor, and reached a hand out to help Hinata up. He may be a growing-pervert, but helping a girl up after that sort of thing was just common courtesy. Hinata, however, viewed it as something else. "N-Naruto-Kun…he got so close…and now he's offering to help..." Turning red and passing out, Hinata would be unconscious for quite a while. Conveniently until she was called, because in a fan-fic, things just have to sync up like that. Naruto just sweatdropped, and went over to the main Table at last.

"Oh good, you're here," Tsunade breathed a sigh of relief. "Anyway, take the microphone, and say what you want."

Naruto grinned, happy to finally be able to say what he wanted, all eyes turned on him. "Test? Test? Okay good, can all of you hear me?" A resounding chorus of "Yeah" "yes" "Hmph" and other affirmatives went through the room. "Okay good, because I want to make this straight. Ahem…

I!

AM!

NOT!

GAY!

Seriously! I Like Sakura!" The other male cast members cheered, the female cast was just grateful that Hinata was unconscious. "I Don't like Sasuke THAT way!" Sasuke called up his agreement from the crowd. "AND THAT'S MUTUAL!" Naruto grinned, continuing his speech. "I think I speak for every guy here! WE'RE STRAIGHT! You think an anime would get so popular if there was actually any gay characters here?! Look what happened to J.K Rowling! And just to make a point, there's nothing WRONG with being gay, unless you're ACTUALLY NOT!" Cheers from pretty much everyone came up, until Itachi shoved Naruto off the podium.

"Ahem. I would like to speak as well."

The crowd was silenced. Or rather, most of it was. "ITACHI! I'LL KILL HIM! LEMME GO!" "STAY THERE, BRAT, I WANT TO AS WELL, UN!"

Tsunade Beat her head on her desk once again, now actually starting to dent the thing. This would be a loooooong night…


	2. Chapter 2 Itachi and Sakura

I'm really bored lately, so expect more then one chapter today, and tomorrow maybe.

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The room was silent, save for Deidara and Sasuke, as Itachi unceremouniously grabbed the Microphone from Naruto. All eyes were on the soft-spoken, yet ruthless, Uchiha.

"I just wish to make a few things clear. Naruto-kun's sentiments are agreeable, I am not homosexual. Those in the crowd restraining my little brother, please let him go."

A Stunned silence set in. Chouji, Izumo, and Kisame let go of Sasuke, just as Itachi asked, and were treated to the sight of Sasuke leaping all the way up in front of Itachi from where he was.

"I'LL KILL YO-"

"Foolish Little Brother, stay your tongue. I would like to use this as an example. And I believe this is something Sasuke would agree with me for."

"I'LL NEVER AGREE WITH YOU ON ANYTHING!"

"I am NOT gay for him."

Sasuke recoiled in horror. "I retract my previous statement!"

"Not only is Incest wrong, Yaoi is just annoying."

Karin, somewhere in the back of the room, just drooled at the thought of Sasuke Yaoi. Konohamaru saw this, and immediately used "Sexy no Jutsu: Boy on Boy version", on her, which immediately caused her to nosebleed so hard she hit her head on the wall, giving her a nasty bump.

Itachi wasn't amused when he saw that, though, and decided to punish the boy.

"Tsukuyo-"

"Itachi-San! You will corrode your eyesight even faster if you waste it on a little boy!" Kisame interrupted.

"Very Well, Kisame, just let me finish up. The last thing I have to say is with regards to Original Characters. I do not love you. I do not love your OC. I do not love ANYONE. Accept that and move on." Itachi got off the podium, and left the area then and there.

Sasuke screamed in frustration when he saw this. "GET BACK HERE YOU MURDEROUS BASTARD!" He immediately began pursuit of Itachi, but Kisame locked him in a Water Prison Jutsu, and applied a gag.

Tsunade was grateful for the Akatsuki members aid, but wished to just proceed on with the whole thing. "Ah, next up is Sakura."

Naruto happily watched Sakura take the stand, though was a bit confused when she dragged Hinata up with her as well.

Sakura was a bit stage-shy, though that wasn't going to get in the way of what she wanted to say. She used a minor water jutsu to fill a cup of water up, which she drank to ease her throat. "Yes, Hinata and I, or rather, Hinata WOULD be participating in this, if she weren't still unconscious, but she serves a good example. Anyway, Hinata and I are," Sakura suddenly made an extremely angry face, making Naruto jump back in fear. "VERY ANNOYED about how we keep getting portrayed! I'll hit you all so hard you'll wind up in the next TIMEZONE!"

Naruto quivered in fear, meanwhile. "S-Sakura-chan, w-what are you talking about?"

"I'M TALKING, NARUTO, ABOUT HOW THEY ALWAYS PORTRAY ME AS A SLUTTY BITCH!"

Sai, not having any social ability at all, was unfortunate enough to pipe up at this moment. "But you ARE a-"

Ino Clasped her hands over Sai's mouth, wanting to spare a potential boyfriend the fate of being splattered on the walls due to Sakura's fury, well aware of what she would do if Sai finished his sentence. "Shh!"

Sakura, thankfully for Sai, hadn't heard, and was rambling on and on by now. "SASOSAKU!? ZETSUSAKU!? I KILLED THE FIRST ONE, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE SECOND!" She continued listing on and on the list of pairings that had been made, and she hadn't even gotten to the yuri ones yet.

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SEVERAL HOURS LATER

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"IRUSAKU!? SAKUSAI!?" Ino growled a bit at that last one. "KAKASAKU!?" Kakashi Piped up at that, looking up from his new "Icha Icha Ouija", that he had gotten from Jiraiya by using a Ouija board so Jiraiya could dictate. "Not a Pedophile!" Orochimaru immediately jumped in after that. "Neither am I!" "Denying it so vehemently doesn't do you any favors, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto added.

Sakura finally finished right then, panting out of breath. Shizune helped her off the stage, Leaving Hinata where she was. Poor Hinata. Tsunade looked at the cast list, crossing out Sakura, Naruto, and Itachi's names from it, then tried to decide who would be next…


	3. Chapter 3 Tobi and Deidara

insert hilarious dialouge that convinces people to rate and review here

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Tsunade decided to send a pair of Akatsuki up next. Considering Itachi was gone, and there were 6 Pain's, the choices were narrowed down. "Next are….Deidara….annnnd…Tobi."

"Why both at the same time, un?"

Tsunade once again slammed her head into the desk. It was a good thing she knew medical jutsu, or she'd have one hell of a headache by now. The desk was starting to crack, on the other hand. "TO SAVE TIME, OBVIOUSLY!"

Tobi giddily jumped up and down next to Deidara "DEIDARA-SEMPAAAAI!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!"

Deidara hung his head, and approached the podium with Tobi. "Oh, I wish I was…"

Ino saw Deidara and was slightly confused. "He looks like me. Reeaaaally like me. I need to ask dad if we have any relatives in the Hidden Rock village..."

Tobi was, however, spasically moving around Deidara with excitement, chattering and babblign incoherently about how much he missed Deidara. "SEMPAI! SEMPAI! SEMPAI! TOBI GETS TO FIGHT A WHOLE GROUP OF LEAF NINJAS ON HIS OWN!"

Deidara perked up at that. "Really, un?"

"Yeah! Tobi's going to be all cool and swishy just like the rest of Akatsuki!"

"Swishy, Tobi?"

"YEAH! Like Itachi-san and Zetsu-san and Sasori-san and-"

"SHUT UP TOBI…"

"Sorry Sempai! Tobi was excited!

Tsunade, exasperated beyond all belief, just yelled at the top of her lungs. "**WILL YOU TWO STOP BICKERING, SHUT UP, AND JUST SAY YOUR WORDS!!!??!?!**"

Tobi immediately freaked out and clung to Deidara. "WAAAAH! SHE'S SCARY, SEMPAI!"

Deidara, more then annoyed by now, dragged Tobi to the podium. "Get off me, un…Or I'll cram a C1 bird UP YOUR-"

"SEMPAI LOOK! THERE'S A BUFFET!"

Deidara lost it right then. "**TOOOOBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!**"

"YIKES!" Tobi immediately jumped high into the air and clung to a ceiling rafter for dear life.

Deidara relaxed, now that Tobi was gone, his blood pressure started to approach a healthier level, and the angry glare in his eyes subsided. "Finally, un!" Contentedly grinning, Deidara surveyed the room, ready to begin his speech. "Yes, un, I'd like to clear up a common misconception. I'M A BOY, DAMMIT ALL! Listen to my voice. Do I SOUND girly?" A pause. "ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!"

"NO."

Deidara calmed down. "Good. So, You fans out there, got that? MALE. X AND Y CHROMOSOME."

Tobi Called down from the rafters at that. "YOU SHOULD CUT YOUR HAIR, SEMPAI! THEN YOU WON'T LOOK LIKE A GIRL SO MUCH!"

"I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A GIRL!"

Dead silence. In the crowd, Shino Aburame, who had boredly been collecting insects, accidentally let a few crickets loose, and they immediately began chirping.

"VERY FUNNY, UN! I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A GIRL!"

Konohamaru, continuing to be the mischeif-maker, start bothering Yamato until he got the desired result, namely a tumbleweed bouncing across the stage.

"OH GO TO HELL! You think you're so damn funny, don't you? I am an artist, not a transvestite!"

Sai piped up right then. "I'm an Artist too!"

Deidara took interest right then. "Oh?" He took out some of his exploding clay, which hadn't been chakra infused yet, and thus wasn't dangerous, and threw it to Sai. "Show me then, un!"

Sai stared at the clay. He was a painter, not a sculpter. He searched his memories for any objects that stuck out in his mind. Something he remembred well, and could easily visualize. Then he knew. He worked his hands slowly, meticulously forming each curve and detail. No small bit was left unworked, it was a true craftman's pride. Sai proudly held it up high into the air.

Hinata woke up right then, just in time to see Sai's pride and joy. "Wh-what is…" She blinked her eyes, her vision a bit cloudy from having just woken up.

"It's Naruto's tiny pe-"

"SAI! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

Naruto dove at Sai as a wave of blushing(the girls) and laughter(the guys) swept through the area. "RASENGAN!" Hinata, upon realizing what Sai's complete sentence was, immediately passed out again, VERY red.

Deidara sweatdropped, and left. Tobi remained in the rafters. "Tobi is scared of heights! Someone rescue poor Tobi!" Tsunade once again began beating her head on the desk, chips of it now flying off. "Forget it, I'll pick someone else…"

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Who didn't see that joke coming eventually? Can't have Sai without one!


	4. Chapter 4 SandSibs

Blah blah blah rate/review blah.

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Tsunade just picked the group closest. Temari, Kankuro, and Gaara. Otherwise known as the SandSibs, these three had issues. Not as much as Sasuke, Gai, or Neji, but they did have issues. Especially Gaara. "You three, you're next."

Gaara was just impassively starng ahead as he joined his elder siblings up at the podium. Kankuro was pouting for some reason, bitter at how he was being totally glossed over and forgotten. All he'd done in recent years was get his ass kicked by Sasori. Temari was just plain annoyed.

Kankuro and Gaara decided to speak first, taking the microphone between them and leering at Shikamaru. "Touch her and we will kill you."

Shikamaru's only response was a small noise that sounded like a snort.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Kankuro growled, interpreting it as a derisive scoff.

"Zzzzz…." Shikamaru lightly snored, fast asleep since about 3 minutes since this all started. Apparently once he saw that only Hidan's head had been brought, he relaxed, declared this all "Troublesome", and napped.

Temari sweatdropped. "I'd like to take this chance to point out the difference between 'Canon', 'Semi-Canon', and 'Crack' pairings." She cleared her throat. "Canon is a direct relationship, like between Jiraiya and Tsunade."

Several sudden "WHAAAAAT?!"'s rang out.

"I MEANT IN THE OLD STORY!" (AU: Jiraiya and Tsunade's characters were taken from an old japanese story called "The Tale of the Gallant Jiraiya", in which he and Tsunade were married.) Temari sweatdropped. "Er, moving on, semi-canon are relationships that MIGHT exist, such as Naruto and Hinata."

Naruto blinked. "Eh?"

Everyone ignored the dense-as-lead Jinchuuriki, even the Hokage being aware of Hinata's attraction. "Or Gaara and Matsuri." Temari clenched her teeth at this, protective of her little brother, giving a "Stay the f away from my little brother, you stalker bitch" look to Matsuri in the audience.

"Lastly, 'crack' pairings are, as Sakura pointed out earlier, are pairings that make no sense. People who have never met before, yaoi/yuri, TobixAnyone…"

Tobi called down from the rafters at that last bit. "Tobi used to send Deidara-sempai cards! Until Tobi found out Sempai was a boy…"

"Didn't need to know that." Temari said, a slight twitch on her face, HATING Deidara, for obvious reasons. "And in fact…GET DOWN ALREADY! SICKLING WINDS!" Temari swung her huge fan at the rafters, blades of air chopping the wood out from under Tobi, sending him sprawling to the ground. Tobi scampered off right then, not out of fear, but something else. "TOBI NEEDS TO USE THE BATHROOM!"

Sometime later, once Tobi found the bathroom, he looked through the stalls. One was unlocked, but the door was shut, so he opened it.

"BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"OH! Tobi is so sorry!" Tobi shut the door immediately, and hopping around by now, eventually found sweet relief in the 2nd to last stall.

Back in the main room, Tsunade was about to call up the next pair, Gaara was taking too much time, having opened a scroll and released a truck-sized pile of fanmail he'd gotten. Konoha was environmentally conscious, living in trees, so Tsunade wouldn't let him burn it, but allowed him to use his sand as a giant shredder. "Next is-"

"ME!" Naruto said, leaping onto the podium.

Tsunade was slightly surprised, but her look of shock turned to one of irritation. "You already wen-"

"No, This BRAT WENT!" Said the red-eyed Naruto, a muzzle of red chakra forming around his mouth and throat, allowing the Demon Fox to speak. "I WANT TO SPEAK NOW."

Tsunade's eyes went wide, as did everyone else who was aware of Naruto's nasty little secret. Kurenai was fast though, and managed to stick those who didn't know inside a genjutsu, so no one who didn't know was suddenly informed that the clutzy ramen-nut they all knew was actually the container for a walking natural disaster.

"I HAVE….A FEW WORDS OF MY OWN!"

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I wonder how many people will understand who the hell Tobi ran into in the bathroom. That's the closest I'll ever come to a crossover, ya hear? Ooh, dramatic cliffhanger. Not.


	5. Chapter 5 Kyuubi, Orochimaru, and Kabuto

Well, I've actually gotten reviews, which surprised the hell outta me. I've gotten a suggestion/Question from Blue Wallpaper, I'll be DAMNED if I don't make a point of listening to someone who bothered to write a constructive review!

Oh yeah, And I don't own anybody here except for the obvious one-off character who ISN'T ME. I'm an-Bandit Keith voice AMERICAN!

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Tsunade, as well as everyone else not under the Genjutsu, stared at the Possessed Naruto, and considering 4-tailed Naruto Almost Killed Jiraiya, everyone was wary. Suddenly, the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, who from now on will be called "Kyuubi" as "Nine-tailed demon Fox" is a pain in the ass to type over and over, spoke in a normal, yet outraged, tone.

"As much as I would like to do this more, This brat's too busy either pleading," and he continued in an extremely screechy, whiny, and nasal imitation of Naruto's voice, "Please Mr. Demon Fox, GIMME YOUR POWER!" He continued normally. "And oh yeah, same thing as Deidara, I'm Male. DO I SOUND female? I may not be anatomically correct, but really, I have a deep voice. Male, you hear, male! In mindset if not-"

Sai piped up AGAIN. "Oh, the demon has NO penis, that's why Naruto has such a small one!"

"Shut up kid." The Kyuubi Continued, ignoring Sai, not even bothering to use a fraction of it's power to vaporize the pasty-white boy. Sai immediately turned to Gaara, who happened to be walking down from the podium, unworried about the Kyuubi. "Hey, so if your name is based on 'A self loving carnage', does that mean you mastur-" Sai was cut off by his by now Well-deserved smack in the form of Temari beating him over the head with her fan, knocking him to the floor. Followed by Kankuro stepping on him as he walked. Gaara just ignored him, not even knowing what he was going to say, never having gotten a "Birds and Bee's" talk from his Father or Yashamaru. Neither Temari nor Kankuro wanted to be the one to fix that lack of knowledge and educate Gaara, so they just left it alone.

Kyuubi Meanwhile, continued. "Despite being locked up in a cell only SLIGHTLY larger then me, I do NOT get 'in heat'. Really. I'm a DEMON. I have better things to think of, like ESCAPE. And I'm not gay either. So there." The Aura of red-orange chakra around Naruto vanished, And Naruto collapsed to the floor, and due to the tilt of the whole room, rolled a bit until he was face to face with the unconscious Hinata. Who shortly woke up, and immediately passed out again. Kiba was exasperated by now, and dragged Hinata AWAY from Naruto. Shino just watched, creepily silent as ever. Though he was sulking about not having been paid any attention to yet…

Jiraiya, Meanwhile, was Curious. "Who'd you even GET this mission from?" Tsunade crinkled her brow, thinking back.Jiraiya really didn't CARE, he was just trying to distract Tsunade while he looked down her shirt and bled from his nose. Really, if she DIDN'T want him to do that, why would she wear clothes with such a low neck, he figured.

Tsunade answered faster then he thought. "Some random Japanese man, blabbering and flailing a Manga that had all our faces on it, weirdly. He taught me a Jutsu that he claimed could 'Break the 4th Wall itself', whatever that meant, utilizing some new type of Jutsu he called "Omaketon". I was amazed when it created a shadow clone of everyone, Alive or not, and brought them here, I'll have to remember it for future use. Anyway, up next is….Uhmm...Orochimaru and Kabuto Yakushi."

A long prehensile tongue whipped out of the crowd and grabbed the microphone, pulling it into arm's reach for Orochimaru. "Yes…I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE! Fans with their heads in gutters…if not sewers."

Sasuke had finally broken free from Kisame's prison, and shouted in response "Then what was with all the 'I want your body, Sasuke!' crap? What the hell did you THINK people would regard you as?! And then there's your abduction of children, hell, you make yourself not only LOOK like Micheal Jackson, but ACT like him!"

"What a sharp tongue, Sasuke-kun! Tell them, Kabuto! Show them data PROVING it's all the fans' fault!"

Kabuto Adjusted his glasses, slightly irate. "Well, Maybe I can help you out a little. With my…Ninja Info Cards." He held up a deck of orange cards. And began explaining them to those who didn't know, them all now free from Kurenai's Genjutsu. Oddly, a rather Catchy tune sprang up in the background as he did. "These Cards have been chakra encoded with everything I've learned. They may not look like much, In fact, they appear blank."

"GET ON WITH IT!" Came a resounding cry from the crowd.

"Sorry, I get carried away! Anyway, as these 4 Cards Show, ALL of the allegations against Orochimaru-sama, from him abusing his tongue, to pedophilia, have no grounding, and are just perverted fans. The worst that's ever happened was having to sponge-bathe him while he couldn't use his arms." A resounding "EWWWWWW!" came from almost everyone. "Oh stop it, I've dissected corpses before, I've seen naked men plenty of times, this was only different in that he was alive!" "EWWWWWW!" "Oh grow up…Anyway, the worst, and least founded allegation, is that Orochimaru-sama can extend not just his tongue, but also his-"

"Penis?"

"SAI, SHUT UP ALREADY!" Came from, once more, almost everyone.

Orochimaru was pleased nonetheless to have Kabuto stick up for him, so beckoned Kabuto to say his own words. Which Kabuto immediately began doing. "Oh, and I'm NOT Orochimaru-sama's Man-Whore. For the hundredth time."

"Actually it's the Four Hundred Fifty Second Time!" Called up Suigetsu, having been the one who made the accusation for the first 50 or so times.

"This is why you were locked in a tank, Suigetsu."

Tsunade Beat her head on her desk again, this time shattering the poor thing. "Oops. Uh, Yamato, if you would, no pun intended…" And within seconds, she had a brand new desk to slam her head into…


	6. Chapter 6 Filler

Yes, I won't be able to do a normal update today, since I've hit a tiny smidge of writer's block, and the only thing I could think of was to imitate the anime and throw up a filler. Don't worry, another update'll come tomorrow, possibly 2 to make up for this if I have enough creativity.

Without Further Ado, I give you what I call "Little Red Riding Hinata".

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Once upon a time, in a sleeply little town called "Konoha" In an unspecified part of the world, There lived a little girl named Hinata. She was a very sweet little girl, always looking out for others, even if she didn't know them very well. One day, her beloved grandmother got sick. Her Father, Hiashi Hyuuga, Smiled upon his sweet little daughter when she offered to bring a basket of fruit to her ailing granny. "My dear, you will grow up to be a very fine Woman!" He praised his daughter. Hinata beamed, not having pride, but simply taking joy in helping others. "Thank you, Father!" And with that, she was off.

Sweet Little Hinata quickly purchased some Apples, 2 Oranges, a cluster of Bannana's, Grapes, and a few wrapped slices of melon, and placed them in her basket. She was warned by the friendly Village Guards, Izumo and Kotetsu, to watch out for the nasty, scary, bad Snake man who was supposedly in the forest. Hinata cheerfully walked on.

But then. The Nasty, MEAN, BAD Snake Man, Orochimaru, saw her. "Ahhh…." He licked his freakishly long tongue, "A little girl off to see her granny. She looks so Tastey…and her Bloodline Limit would be of SUCH use!" Retracting his tongue, Mean old Orochimaru stepped into poor little Hinata's path. "Why little girl, you seem to be delivering fruit! There are flowers nearby, why not pick them as an additional present?"

Hinata, innocent and trusting, thanked the strange pale man in front of her. "That's a good idea, Thank you!" She wnadered off the beaten path of the road, off to a nearby meadow, filled with all sorts of beautiful Flowers for Hinata to give to her granny. "Ooh, Grandma loves Lilacs! And there's Daffodils, and Posies, and Roses…" Hinata smiled with childish glee at the prospect of so much floral variety.

But, MEAN, Bad, NASTY Orochimaru made his way to Poor Grandma Hyuuga's cottage. He hissed. "Why does she live all the way out here, anyway?" He then came to the front door, and knocked.

"Who is it? Is that you, Hinata?"

Orochimaru copied Hinata's voice from earlier. "Yes Grandma! Let me in, I have fruit for you!" Orochimaru made a disgusted face as he imitated her, not liking such a syrupy sweet tone of voice at ALL.

"Oh well come in!" The door creaked open, but then, Bad, NASTY, MEAN Orochimaru wrapped his tongue around the old woman, pulled her close, and ATE HER! Orochimaru, then regurgitated her clothes, donned them, and slid into the old woman's bed, ready to spring his trap on poor widdle Hinata.

Hinata, now with more flowers then the average bridal bouquet in tow, finally reached her granny's house. "Grandmaaaaa!" She called out in a cheery tone, almost making Orochimaru vomit on the spot with the sickening sweetness behind it. Orochimaru kept his cool though, and called out to her in her Granny's voice. "The door's open, Dearie!"

Hinata entered the house, closing the door as she entered. "Why Grandma, you look different today! And your voice is so much raspier!"

Orochimaru, being quick-witted, already had his excuses ready. "I'm sick, Deary, it will pass."

Hinata gave Orochimaru the fruit she bought. She looked at him a bit more closely, and realized something. "Why Grandma, what thin pupils you have!"

Cunning Orochimaru was two steps ahead of her. "All the better to see you with, my dear!"

Hinata was peacefully oblivious for a time, until she noticed something else. "Why Grandma, what pale skin you have!"

Orochimaru was ready again, savoring the moment. "All the better to make you look prettier by comparison, my dear!"

Hinata was again happy. But then, Orochimaru used his loooooong tongue to pull an orange into his mouth. Hinata wasn't stupid, just trusting, so she piped up. "Why grandma, what a big tongue you have!"

Orochimaru grinned, then. "ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH!" He wrapped his long tongue around Hinata, who shrieked in fear, and ate her whole. "AHAHAHAAAA!"

It was then a lone Hunter heard Hinata's Scream. It was Naruto Uzumaki, the village idiot. And Hinata's crush. She was MADLY in love with the boy, finding his unyielding spirit inspiring. "What was that?" He wondered, and decided to see what the source of the scream was. He came upon the house, and once he saw Orochimaru, knew just what to do. "RASEN SHURIKEN!" And with a mighty yell, cut the foul snake man's stomach open! Hinata, then her Grandma, both unharmed, tumbled out. Soggy, but alive. Hinata immediately began fidgeting when she saw who her saviour was. "N-Naruto-Kun! You saved me!" Naruto Beamed, always happy to show off. Especially to girls. He grabbed a bit of the covers off the bed, and started drying Hinata off. "Here, Hinata, you have some on your face!" He just used his sleeve for this. Hinata immediately turned brigth red. "N-Naruto-kun is t-touching my face…" Hinata passed out then, And Naruto, confused beyond belief, just walked out. But not before taking something for himself….

Several days later, Naruto Met up with Hinata again. Hinata was grateful. "I didn't g-get to say it, Naruto-kun, but Thank you!" Naruto wanted to talk more, so he brought her to his favorite ramen stand, Ichiraku's. Hinata and Naruto talked, and after a while, the bill became an issue. Naruto pulled something plae white out of his pocket at that, and Hinata, being a bit of a stalker, out of pure devotion, not any ill intent, was surprised, as she thought Naruto carried a Frog wallet. "N-Naruto-kun, what is that?"

Naruto Smiled. "It's a Snake-Skin Wallet!"

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End of Filler. Well, that was fun, but not as fun as typing up a normal Chapter is. Hopefully I won't have to do this again!


	7. Chapter 7 Hebi

I personally despise Sasuke. Out of all the Naruto Cast, he is my LEAST favorite. Hell, TENTEN, THE LADY WITH NO CHARACTER DEPTH, is preferable.

Tenten: vv Ass.

Meatball-head. Anyway, I could go into reasons, but it mostly boils down to how the whole show revolves around him and not Naruto. The Anime's not called "Sasuke" People! Er, yeah. So I can't really sympathize toward him, btu fortunately, he's been mentioned with Itachi and Orochimaru enough to have 'had his say' already, much like Sai.

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Tsunade, now with a new Desk courtesy of Yamato, decided to call up the guy who just blurted out and insulted Kabuto, Suigetsu. What she didn't expect was him dragging Hebi along with him.

Suigetsu was first to speak, being the most annoyed, Sasuke already getting his share through with Itachi and Orochimaru. "Yeah so, Aside from the usual 'I'M NOT GAY, OKAY?' rant, I'd like to say that I AM NOT CUDDLY! STOP DRAWING ME AS ALL SNUGGLY AND CUTE, I HAVE FANGS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Kisame and Zabuza, both present, though Zabuza hadn't spoken up yet, in rapt conversation with Haku, we're a bit annoyed at the kid. "Actually being a recurring character…" Zabuza pouted under his facial wraps, "Spoiled Brat doesn't know how good he has it." Kisame was just flat annoyed. "HEY KID, BETTER THEN ALL THE 'HAHA SHARKS HAVE TWO DICKS!' JOKES I'M PESTERED WITH!"

Tobi giggled at that, being the source of that gag. He was watching Animal Planet one day, and saw that. He was oh SO proud to actually have random facts to spout off to his dear sempai. Deidara was the one who made the connection between bigenital sharks and Kisame. Deidara spread the word to the other Akatsuki members, all but Konan, Pein, and Itachi making fun of Kisame for it. Itachi DID, however, not look his Partner in the eye for a few days.

Back in the stadium, Iruka added insult to injury at that Animal Planet joke. "D'ya know Dolphins can beat Sharks up?" Deidara looked at Kisame. "I have SO lost all respect for you."

Kisame grunted and shouted at Suigetsu again. "SEE WHAT I MEAN?"

Suigetsu just shouted back. "HEY, WAIT YOUR TURN TO COME UP TO THE PODIUM AND BITCH!" Karin yanked the Microphone away after that. "Oh Shut up. God, you act like a little kid." Suigetsu's only response was to send a Water Bunshin to Konohamaru and request to be quickly taught the Sexy No Jutsu: Boy version. Karin didn't notice, and she started yakking away at how she was NOT a total bitch, how she was NOT gay, and so on. She also spent a good 5 minutes ranting about how much she hated Suigetsu.

Speaking of, Suigetsu stepped in front of her, now armed with a new weapon. "Hey Karin…"

Karin Looked up, irate. "WHAT IS IT, SUIGETSU?!"

"SEXY NO JUTSU!" And with a poof, Suigetsu transformed into a steamy, shirtless Sasuke. Karin passed out on the spot, and Kiba, helpful as ever, dragged her over next to Hinata, Muttering. "Crazy, obsessed women…" Speaking of Crazy, obsessed women, Ino and Sakura were using some new technique only referred to as "Polaroid no Jutsu" to take pictures of Suigetsu.

Juugo, meanwhile, was petting Akamaru, always getting along better with Animals then people. Since Neither Suigetsu or Karin was makign use of it, Juugo also took the microphone. "I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to anyone who's been hurt by my 'Outbursts'. I don't want to! I can't help it! I'm Sorry!" The audience was puzzled. Sasuke spoke up now, having regained his cool. "Yeah, Juugo's bipolar or something, I was trying to drown out Karin by humming in my head, I wasn't paying attention."

Juugo freaked out at that. "I'M THE ORIGIN OF ALL CURSED SEALS YOU LITTLE PUNK, I'LL KILL YOU! KILL! YOU! I KILL YOU! YOU'LL BE DEAD BECAUSE I KILLED YOU! AND YOU WILL BE DEAD! BECAUSE I KILLED YOU!" Sasuke administered a few pythons to restrain Juugo. "Like I was saying, Bipolar. And Karin's just crazy. You all in Konoha KNOW how Sakura and Ino were all crazy about me, right? Karin is WORSE. MUCH WORSE."

Suigetsu, back to his normal form, added in "And she dresses like a whore!"

Jiraiya wasn't paying attention, but DID look up upon the mention of the word "whore". He looked at Karin and was disappointed to see she was still too young. Tsunade caught this and punched him in the jaw, and once she was finished, turned back to the list of characters, trying to decide who would go next.


	8. Chapter 8 Hinata, Kiba, and Shino

Ah Shino, so easy to make fun of…Also, Tomorrow I will (try to) add THREE chapters, because I won't be able to update on Saturday or Sunday. They more or may not be oneshot fillers like Little Red Riding Hinata. Speaking of…

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Tsunade called out. "Kiba! Shino! Wake Hinata up and come to the podium!"

Kiba, sans Akamaru, who was getting pet by Juugo, picked up Hinata, grinning as he did (much to Neji and Hiashi's displeasure), and carried her up to the podium, Shino silently following him.

Karin, Sasuke, and Suigetsu left the podium, and after they called for Juugo, Kiba and Shino decided to speak up, Kiba starting. "Yeeeeeah!" Kiba stuck the microphone near a speaker, creating deafening feedback, until Shino yanked the Microphone out of his hand. "Awww…"

The crowd, covering their ears in agony, glared at Kiba with murderous looks in their eyes. Kiba was unapologetic. "It woke Hinata up, didn't it?" And indeed, it had. So, Kiba started with his list of complaints. "Right okay, Just wanna make, aside from the yaoi thing, one bit clear, and that's that the Inuzuka clan ALWAYS works with animals! I just have a dog, okay? Akamaru's great! But there's limits! You 'artists', as you call yourselves, when in reality a monkey could draw better then you, and I mean it, Monkey's are good at art, keep thnking it's sooooo funny to make me out to be more animalistic then I am. Seriously, I don't piss on fire hydrants, I DON'T chase cars, not that any exist in whatever the HELL time period we live in, and I do not get 'walked' by Hinata." He quietly added, under his breath, "though I wish I did."

"Oh, and I don't have fleas. That's Shino," Kiba laughed. "God, I mean, I'm sorry dude, but you are waaaaaaay too easy to screw with, I mean one time I just followed him around with a can of Raid, spraying him occasionally. The bugs were fine, hiding in his body, and he didn't say anything, but GOD I could tell he got SO PISSED!" Kiba was practically laughing his ass off by now. Naruto cracked up as well.

"Oh! I remember this one mission he and I went on," Naruto chimed in, "He got slipped a laughing drug, and IT WAS SO CREEPY! His laugh is like...well, I think he gives Orochimaru a run for his money in the area of having a creepy laugh!"

Naruto and Kiba shared a moment of raucous laughter, only to be interrupted, and huddle together in fear, once Shino pulled an "Anime Ominous Loom with Firey Background and Thunder" on them.

"May **I** have the Microphone now?"

"S-SURE SHINO!" Kiba yelped as he handed his partner the Microphone, and proceeded to hide behind Hinata, along with Naruto. (The latter's presence pleasing Hinata VERY much)

Shino, not bothering to uncover his mouth, began speaking. "Contrary to what Kiba said, I do NOT have fleas. Or Crabs. Or Lice. Or Worms. Just Destruction Bugs." He punctuated his statement by issuing a small cloud of bugs to hover next to him. "Oh, and I don't fear Flytraps," He glared at Zetsu, who had earlier tried to intimidate him. "Or the Orkin Man, or spiders. That's all." Shino stepped back, handing Hinata the Microphone. Really, the guy wasn't all too unhappy with the fans he'd gotten, as, though he'd never admit it, Shino liked the attention he was given. "Oh, and Kiba, about the Raid thing…" Kiba looked over, confused. Shino pulled out a jar of Stinkbugs and released them, having already instructed his bugs to act as "translators" so he could order them around, and sent them after Kiba. "DUDE, NOT COOL!" Kiba yelled, his nose and sinuses being assaulted like never before, eyes watering up.

Hinata, used to the feud between her partners, just fidgeted with the microphone until Shino and Kiba quited down. Which took 10 minutes. Once she was ready, Hinata spoke up.

"Umm…Hello. I-I just…" Hinata burst into tears. "STOP DRAWING PORN OF ME!" Hiashi bolted upright, NOT aware his daughter had this to worry about. After speaking with Neji, Neji took off, a new mission in mind. It was called, in Hiashi's own words, "STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!" Neji was eager for the "target practice" with his Byakugan, so he was fine with it.

Hinata continued, sobbing on. "A-and the pairings! I have it WORSE then Sakura! I've been paired with every member of Akatsuki…ALL AT ONCE…My Relatives, YOURSELVES, IN THE FORM OF "ORIGINAL" CHARACTERS…A DOG…"

Kiba Nodded his head solemnly. He had searched for his teammates' names on Google one day, to see who got more matches. What he found under Hinata's name scarred him for life. When he called Shino over, that was the first time he'd seen his teammate freak out. "HOLY SHIT!" Was his exact words.

Hinata was just crying uncontrollably. She had PLANNED to finally tell Naruto, in front of everyone, how much she loved him, and had rehearsed it 7 whole times. But she was so sad now…

Tenten turned toward the camera that was in the room, (if there wasn't one, what would the point of this whole thing be? The 'fans' would never find out!) furious. "I hope you all are ashamed of yourselves. YOU MADE HINATA CRY!

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Oh the guilt, the guilt…And Hinata bashers/Hentai Artists…Beware, NEJI IS OUT FOR YOUR BLOOD.


	9. Chapter 9 Filler 2

I'm writing Fanfic-filler when I should be doing homework. WHEEEEEEEE!!!

In today's Filler episode(at lest one of the other 2 will be normal), we join Neji, Kiba, Hinata, and Sasuke For an episode of "Mary Sue Hunters", inspired by Blue Wallpaper's (Seriously, ma'am, you've been quite handy to this fic) suggestion to explore Neji's 'hunt" for Bad Fanfic writers and hentai artists. And by hunt I mean ritual slaughter.

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"Neji Nii-san, why am I coming along? Father wanted to keep these people AWAY from me!"

Neji smirked. "You're bait, Hinata-sama. Nothing will hurt you, don't worry."

Kiba added "I'm surprised Sasuke came along."

"Pass up the chance to murder fangirls? Me?" Sasuke grinned.

Hinata, Neji, and Kiba shared a group sweatdrop. Neji only planned to MAIM the offenders, really. Kiba figured all they had to do was break some fingers so they could never be used again. Though privately, he wondered if some of the more rabid fans needed to be NEUTERED at the same time. For the sake of Hinata's innocence, he only confided in Sasuke and Neji this opinion.

"Who's our first Target?" Sasuke inquired.

Neji grinned, "'Michelle Uchiha'".

"So, what's her offenses?" A curious Kiba asked.

Neji began reading from a list. "'Chatroom' fics, identical to all the others there are, an orgyfic of pretty much everyone, but with herself as the central character….Oh, and you'll love this: SasuNaru."

"SHE WILL DIE." Stated an outraged Sasuke.

Kiba started a chant. "BURN THE FANGIRL!"

"BURN HER!"

"BURN HER!"

"BUUUUUURN HEEEEEER!"

"WITCH HUNT! Kiba concluded. Hinata didn't want to say anything, she was too polite. But secretly, she was repeating the chant in her head. NO ONE wrote about HER Naruto-kun with anyone else and got away with it!

Eventually, they came to 951 Knick Road.

Sasuke Rang the doorbell. "Alright, Neji, Kiba, you two ready?"

"Yes."

"OH YEAH!"

Shortly thereafter, a girl answered the door. "Who is it?" She was immediately puzzled by her 'guests'. "It's not October…Why are you all dressed as Naruto Characters? OHMYGAWD, IS THERE A CON I DIDN'T KNOW ABOU-"

Sasuke interrupted her by grabbing her shoulders, shifting to Curse Seal Level 1 out of anger. "WRONG. Real deal."

Neji grabbed Sasuke's arm. "Settle down! We need to read her her rights."

"Ugh, formalities…"

Kiba was confused. "We're not technically bound by the law…being fictional characters, why bother?"

"Good point. Go for it, Sas-"

SNAP.

Hinata recoiled in horror. Neji was amused. "That was fast. Broke her fingers, huh?"

"Not worth Killing."

Kiba spoke up. "Well, that's a SasuFangirl, down!"

Neji's next item on the list was one he was going to ENJOY. "Next is: lordofonions. Offenses include NejiHina, InoSaku, sand-cest, and never using the shift key. Location: 1846 Summit Avenue."

"BURN THE FANBOY!"

"BURN HI-"

"WE GET IT!"

Sometime later, they arrived where they wanted to go. Really, sealing yourself into a scroll, and having carrier pidgeons transport you was a GREAT way to travel. The closest thing Ninja's had to a Boeing 747.

lordofonions was a tad surprised to get a pidgeon with 4 scrolls on it arrive at his apartment, he recognized them as Sealing Scrolls, and like any _Otaku_ would, bit his finger and tried them out. To his amazement, out came our band of hunters."

"HOLY HELL!"

Neji stretched. "Contradiction, hm? This one's mine. 8 Trigrams: 128 Hands of Hakke!" Neji beat on the guy for a good hour. Sasuke found a microwave popcorn batch, and set some up for himself. Kiba tried to get some, but Sasuke pulled the bowl away. "My popcorn."

Hinata realized something. "What time is it?"

"Uh…4:15…" Answered Kiba.

Hinata fidgeted. "We need to get back to the assembly hall!"

"Oh crap, I thought that was 5:30, not 4:30!" Kiba growled.

And so, after trekking back to the hall, They found that while they were gone, absolutely nothing had happened. Tsunade glared at them as they entered. "What? Why's everyone looking at us?"

"YOU TOOK THE ONLY MICROPHONE WITH YOU, KIBA!" Tsunade screamed.

"Uh…..Oops."

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I'd just like to say that all locations and names, aside from those belonging to Masashi Kishimoto, are 100 made up on the spot. If they actually belong to anyone, it is through pure coincidence. X3 not that I wasn't tempted to root through DeviantArt and to look for ACTUAL offenders!


	10. Chapter 10 Team Gai

You know, I haven't mentioned this yet. All readers have my full permission to re-post this anywhere they like, even without informing me of it, as long as they don't take credit. Really, this is counter rabid-fandom, it's all the better if this goes around places.

You know, like DeviantArt… … ….I'm SUCH a whore…But yeah. I can't draw if my life depended on it. I have a tad of poor motor control (I never learned to ride a bike), so I can't even trace and edit. So…uh…X3 any charitable artists out there? I can write, apparently, and I guess any who draw up something (DECENT mind you, no stick figure-loopholes! This whore ain't cheap!) of this fic, and contact me about it, I'll take a "request" from you and write a fic about any topic, NOT YAOI OR YURI, that you like.

Tenten: Already selling the rights to your work out for reward? What are you, a cartoonist?

Oh just for that, It's YOUR TEAM'S TURN.

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Tsunade, having just gotten RID of her desk by now, as she'd by now gone through 2, 1 by beating her head on it, the other by throwing it out a window in frustration when Kiba, Neji, Hinata, and Sasuke took so long to return, simply stomped on the ground in her anger. "Neji, YOU gathered that group up, so it's YOUR team that's going! Gai! Rock Lee! Tenten!"

"Hell no…" Neji thought, well aware of how insane half the proceedings so far had gone.

"YOSH!" Lee, in typical hyperenthusiastic fashion, yelled out as he ran up to the podium, in all his spandex-clad glory. Quietly, Tenten and Neji agreed that the reason Lee, while certainly capable of doing the job, hadn't been promoted to Jounin yet was because Tsunade didn't want to have to subject any poor, POOR genin to Lee.

Neji could see it now, Lee forcing a group of 13 year olds to run 60 laps around Konoha in one day, and if they failed, they'd have to try it again the next day, this time by hopping on one leg while jump roping. And balancing a bowl of ramen on their heads. While having to fend Naruto off from eating aforementioned ramen. And with Lee all the while flirting with Sakura. Perhaps with Gai watching on, oh SO proud of his student. Yes, Tsunade, while at her worst, and most frequent, terrifying, was doing the children of Konoha a favor by keeping Lee a Chuunin.

Tenten was more keen on the idea of actually getting some screentime. But sadly for her, Neji took the Microphone first.

"Ahem. LEE AND I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER ASIDE FROM BEING TEAMMATES. His Hyperactivity drives me INSANE. In short, I DO NOT LOVE HIM."

Lee began crying. "NEJI, YOUR WORDS BURN LIKE THE STING OF A THOUSAND ANGRY WASPS!"

Gai immediately took Lee's Shoulder. "Lee! That is a superb idea! Let us go, if we cannot juggle 4 wasp nests while we dictate our complaints to the fans who would spoil our youth, we will strap pogo-sticks to helmets and bounce on our heads, 300 laps around this room!"

Someone in the audience, probably an Akatsuki member who's name started with 'To' and ended with 'Bi', called out "What if you don't succeed in THAT?"

Gai entered his signature "Nice Guy" pose, Teeth shining WAY brighter then usual due to the spotlight on him, which resulted in a few people in the front rows becoming temporarily blind. "Then….Hmmm…." Gai stroked his chin, never having thought of a 3rd challenge should the 2nd fail. "We will…Starp 20 puppies to our bodies, as we attach suction cups to our hands and feet, and CARTWHEEL ACROSS THE CEILING!"

"YAY GAI-SENSEI!"

Tenten facefaulted. "Neji…Are Gai and Lee losing even MORE of their sanity?"

"What Sanity?" Came Neji's sardonic response.

"I think they've taken too many blows to the ehad while training…"

Gai and Lee immediately took off to procure wasp nests from the surrounding forest, and Neji decided to continue at last. "Ahem, now that the two Green Psychopaths of Konoha are gone, I'd like to finish by saying I do NOT use the Byakugan to look through people's clothes. Such use is perverted and unfit for such a noble technique!" Though he'd never admit it, during his more hormonal years, he DID take one peek at a girl who happened to be passing by. Fortunatly, it was Sakura, and since Sakura's more anatomically incorrect then one of Sasori's puppets, he didn't see anything he wouldn't see by looking at himself in a mirror. Hell, Chouji had bigger breasts then Sakura! Which was disturbing just to THINK ABOUT…

Tenten wanted her turn to speak! But, it never came, as Lee and Gai returned, a cloud of enraged wasps stinging them like crazy as they juggled the nests.

"OUCH! LEE, THIS IS PERFECT TRAINING!" Said Gai, or rather, Gai TRIED to say. His lips were swelling to such proportions that it was hard to tell what the heck he was saying.

Lee was also struggling to speak. "AI-ENEI!" cried Lee, no longer able to fully speak certain syllables. And so, Lee and Gai continued their protests through interpretive dance.

No one had a damn clue what either of them meant. So when they finished, Tobi once again spoke up…"But we didn't understand you! That means you didn't succeed!" Gai looked at Lee, both nodding, throwing the nests out the window, and attached Pogo Sticks to their heads, and indeed began lapping the room by bouncing on their heads. Sadly, Kakuzu was in a sadistic mood, so he used his wires in order to trip them while they were on their 294th lap.

"Lee! We must NEVER go back on our word!"

"YES, GAI-SENSEI!" And so, out came the puppies, god knows from WHERE, the duct tape, and the suction cups. They got it right this time, and so, Lee and Gai were through.

"THAT WAS TRULY EXCELLENT TRAINING, GAI-SENSEI!" Lee cried, before passing out in exhaustion, Gai following suit.

Tsunade just shoved Neji and Tenten, who had been passed-over once again (Really, the fans treat Tenten rather well, she gets more attention from them then the writing staff, that's for sure!), off the stage, exasperated by Gai and Lee's antics.

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Writing for Gai and Lee is just….God, I think It's a SIN to have that much fun when writing!


	11. Chapter 11 the 4th, Pein, Kakuzu, Hidan

You know, I've begun thoughts on what my NEXT fic will be, once this one completes itself. Relax, this one'll be going on for a while, but the idea of a "How NOT to write a Naruto fic", a fic based on the premises that every single one of the things that the cast have complained about in this fic, And others, are getting crammed into one story seems appealing, as a sort of satire.

Oh, and I've been asked some questions privately:

Q: Are you a boy or a girl?

A: I'm a boy. A girly looking one (Real Life Bishi, ironically), but a boy. What are you, interested or something?

Q: Where do you find inspiration?

A: Oh geeze, a ton of stuff. Usually I listen to music or something when I type up humor. For example, I listened to Kajetokun's "The Pylons are TRAP BALLS" musical for Ch.4. Or I just prowl around Deviant Art. This Chapter was written while listening to The King from Zelda: Wand of Gamelon say "Mah Boi" for 10 minutes straight.

But really, Strawberry Frosted Pop-Tarts, and LOTS OF THEM, fuel this story.

We now return you to your FanFiction in progress.

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Tsunade, rather than calling out the next two (or 7, really), just watched. She had DEEP respect for one of them, and fear of the second. Pein and the 4th Hokage, side by side, stepped up to the platform, Pein taking the microphone first.

An air of chilly silence broke the group. The villains shutting the hell up for fear of getting blown all the way to the next fanfic over by Pein silencing them, while respect for the 4th, even from Naruto, kept the others silent.

"Hmph…" Began Pein. "We both decided to come up at the same time to validate our first point, namely that we are not the same person. This tarnishes the memory of the 4th, and makes my organization, Akatsuki, seem like a farce. Speaking of my organization, while the individual members have their own complaints, I must stress that we do NOT:

1: Wish to include your OC into our group. Your OC sucks, and everyone hates it, get over it.

2: Seek to kidnap anyone.

3: Have a group HQ where various interactions, most often idiotically 'funny', occur. Our members only gather when we seal a Biju, to gather otherwise is to alert people to our presence.

Now that Akatsuki as a whole has been explained, I wish to move onto my OWN complaints. Yes, the Rin'negan lets me have 6 independent bodies, 'The 6 paths of Pein' as it were. NO, we do NOT have a homosexual Orgy. Yes, Konan and I grew up together. NO, we are not lovers. I view her in a more sisterly sense." Pein sweatdropped at that. "Not that the fans have any issue with incest, I've noticed…" Pein then turned the Microphone over to the 4th.

Minato Namikaze, the 4th Hokage, looked over the room, and found who he was looking for, Naruto. Naruto, seeing the 4th look at him, spoke up cheerfully. "I've ALWAYS looke dup to you, you know!'

Minato grinned. Pein noticed this, and sighed, speaking up. "I know you want to say it. Any lighthearted person would, just do it and get it over with."

"Okay!" Said Minato, taking a deep breath and facing Naruto. "NARUTO….I AM YOUR FATHER!"

A VERY loud groan at the absolutely horrible Star Wars refrence issued from the crowd. The Family Resemblence was OBVIOUS for crying out loud. Naruto, though, was shocked. "R-really?"

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true!" Gesturing to Kushina, who waved to Naruto, proud to see her little son all grown up, Minato continued. "The family reunion can come later, believe me, I'm proud of you, especially how you managed to actually perfect my Rasengan technique! For now though, I'll just voice my complaints. I can't really complain, I'm DEAD in the actual continuity after all. Actually…yeah, I don't have anything to say. I'm just happy to have the time to spend some time here. I'm surprised Tsunade's shown restraint in not immediately running up to Nawaki or Dan."

Tsunade Sweatdropped. In reality, the Tsunade sitting and watching the proceedings of everything was a Kage Bunshin, the real one was spending some time with her lover and brother.

Minato stepped down, throwing the mic to Kakuzu, who caught it in one hand, the other one holding Hidan's severed head.

Kakuzu didn't even bother stepping up. In fact, he'd spent his time during the whole proceedings stealing random objects from people (mostly Sasuke back when he was stuck in Kisame's Water Prison) and selling them to fans. He'd made over 100 thousand yen already. "I just want to say I'm not OBSESSED with money." Hidan spoke up at that. "LIKE HELL! YOU SPENT THIS WHOLE FING TIME STEALING THINGS FROM PEOPLE AND SELLING THEM TO FANS! AND LET ME AT THAT SHIKAMARU ASSHOLE!"

"What'll you do, bite his knees off?" Kakuzu mocked.

One torrent of profanity later, Hidan got the Microphone taped to his cheek.

"Listen you little Fers, Jashin-sama does NOT approve of FOTS! And I swear, GET OVER IT! MRPGHFRMRTRT!" The last sounds Hidan was able to say were muffle by Kakuzu stitching his mouth shut. Suddenly, the proceedings were interrupted by several PETA members bursting in and grabbing Gai and Lee. "YOU TWO ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!"

Kakashi's exposed eye just upturned in amusement, up until one of the PETA members grabbed him by the shoulder and began lecturing him about the "dangerous situations" he kept sending his Ninken dogs into.

Tsunade, or her replication, rather, just sighed. "How did they find us here? Well, those who are skilled in diplomacy, work something out. Until then, Kakshi, Iruka, you two are next." This whole thing was just a baaaaaad Idea, Tsunade thought. She was able to see Dan and Nawaki again, though, and that alone made it worthwhile.


	12. Chapter 12 Epilogue

Sorry for missing an update yesterday. I was studying for my English Final Exam. Which I had today, and tomorrow is my Modern World History and Chemistry, with Math on Thursday. XX. And in other news, We've reached the Epilogue. You see, I'm not like Jim Davis, I won't prolong my series to the point of not being funny anymore just so it can sell. In other words, I've run out of ideas, and thus, this fic is ending as it's no longer funny. Don't despair, though! I'm open to suggestions! Just put up a review that has suggestions for any new fics of any genre, Humor, Horror, Drama, etc. Please note that the only anime's I'm familiar enough to write a fic for are Naruto, Bleach, Death Note, Getbackers, DBZ, and Megaman NT. As for game-based fics….Well, odd's are I've played it if you suggest it, so unless I respond to you and say I haven't played that directly, I'll consider pretty much anything. But not Yaoi/Yuri. On with the Final Chapter!

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Kakashi and Iruka stepped up. Iruka adjusted his headband, not liking huge groups. Classes were fine, but massive gatherings like this weren't his thing. "Well, what can we say that hasn't been said before? Not gay, Not a pedo, blah blah blah." Kakashi stepped over to Tsunade and Jiraiya. "What about you two?"

Tsunade sweatdropped. Jiraiya grinned. "We're FINE, Kakashi. All we've got is the same stuff you have."

Tsuande stood up from her seat and adressed the whole gathering. "AHEM! Everyone, I am pleased we could all meet in one location like this and, for the most part, do so peacefully." She glared at Sasuke, Deidara, and various others who had contributed to the overall mayhem of the past few hours. "Now that we have conclude-

"WHAAAAAAAAA!?" Screamed Konan, Zetsu, Kisame, Sasori, Ino, Chouji, Haku, Zabuza, And all the others who had been ignored, All the way from the Sound Five to Baki to Hanabi.

"Oh come on, your not focused on enough lately to actually merit anything outside the 'not gay' similarity with everyone." Jiraiya bluntly stated.

Grumbles erupted all around.

Jiraiya suddenly realized. "So, how do we get out of here?"

"When I Dispel the jutsu, of course." Tsunade replied.

…..

…..

"So, uh, going to do so anytime soon?"

"When I'm done speaking with Dan and Nawaki!"

It was then Jiraiya realized that pretty much everyone was with the people they'd missed. Naruto was with the 4th and Kushina. "It'd be hard on him once he found out "Ero-Sennin" Named him!" Jiraiya grinned.

Gaara was with Yashamaru. They weren't speaking, but they just sort of stared at each other as if in mutual understanding.

The 3rd was with Konohamaru, who beamed up at his grandpa like any good grandson would do.

Shikamaru, Ino, Kurenai, and Chouji were all huddled around Asuma. Kurenai was whispering something in Asuma's ear about the baby's gender, and how this was his only real chance to have any say in what his/her name would be.

Jiraiya kept looking around at the room, and spotted various other clusters. He grimly realized it would be a HARD thing to do, to break this moment everyone had. But it had to be done nonetheless, they couldn't stay here forever. And if all else, Tsunade's Chakra WOULD run out at some point, Sannin and Hokage or otherwise, and that'd be the end of it. And so, he picked up his notebook, and started writing up a draft for a new Icha Icha. He'd give it to Naruto once he was finished, and the "last draft by the legendary Jiraiya" would be a nice nest egg for the boy.

And so, Many hours later, Tsunade's Chakra ran out, and the entire area began to blur, and before anyoen knew it, they were all back in their respective locations. Tobi, Naruto, Kakashi and co. in one area, Itachi and Sasuke squaring off, Hebi and Kisame elsewhere…Pein Standing over Jiraiya's corpse, and the dead going to wherever Ninja's go when they die.

Tsunade happened to be buy a computer when she woke up. She amusedly decided to see the results of her efforts, and google searched everyones names.

"This…this is…"

"NEJIXTSUNADE!?" Tsunade enragedly punched her computer out a window. "NOTHING'S CHANGED A BIT!"

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Well, that's it! The end of this fic. insert bitchin' awesome ASCII art here I certainly had fun with this, and given that, as of writing this Epilogue, not one negative review has been written for this Fic, I'd assume all you readers liked it as well!


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